A mothers love

 

 

It's always with a certain trepidation that I visit Mum. The memories of the past year of pain and heartache are not easy to dismiss.

Put those images aside and move on. Oh it is not so easy to do. Your heart is still filled with an ache that pulls in all the years of the past tangled together like knitting yarn, tangled, knotted, twisted and used. Where is the start, where is the end?

There were months last year that were an agony of doubt.

There were so many moments when love filled every part and atom of me, when all I wanted to do most in the whole world was LOVE, love my Mum with all my heart. Pour life into her, take the sadness and confusion away. Bring her back to me.

These were the dark days. The days of visits when I was barely recognised, no, that's not true. I was always recognised, I was just not wanted. I was decried and dismissed.

I mourned my Mum as I had lost her already. Lost my mum and friend to a disease of old age. Lost her to a wilderness I could not reach or fathom. The worst thing was that it was me who was lost. For my mum had not lost my brother he was still there to her, for some reason it was me who had failed to stay within the confines of her mind. I had fallen by the wayside and she didn't want to know me any more.

I bless Christmas when I went to see her with Colin and she was Mum again. She remembered me, she was fine. The past two visits have seen her in a better place in her mind. She knows me, she talks, I am no longer dismissed as something unwanted and unloved. This means the world to me. This is a treasure beyond price.

It is always with some trepidation that I visit Mum....

Will she be the same as last time, will she have fallen back into the wilderness?

Yesterday I visited my Mum and she smiled a smile that lit the room. She said "Oh Karon, I'm thrilled to see you". She talked excitedly about seeing me on television. I mean how unreal is that? Unreal in that who'd have thunk I would ever be on tv in the first place and who would ever have imagined at any time last year that my Mum would have watched me on the box, remembered me and had pride and joy in her heart about me.

She wants news of Idgy, the pets and home. Talk of friends, talk of life. When I kiss her cheek to say goodbye there are tears. She is sad to see me go, she is crying.  I cry too and we hug each other tight, I don't want to let her go.

We smile as I leave the sun filled room.

I close the door , I talk to the  staff and I head out to the car.

Then in the quietness of the car, in that private little world, reality hits; My mum was sad to see my leave. My mum had watched me on tv. My mum was proud of me.  I was a wee girl again in Musselburgh, my mum  wanted me, I was home.

There are only two words for this "Thank You".

Karon x

 

Comments

[Sue]

How strange that it's your television career that has brought your Mum back to you.

Seeing you in a different medium has obviously mended links that were broken in her mind and drawn her back to you. A Mothers pride in her children is strong and you have awoken hers in you.

How strange and how wonderful. But then that's a mothers love for you, we love our children no matter what they say and do and we always turn to our own Mothers for the same.

Have a lovely weekend.

Sue xx

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawlKCffFDglYWRhg8W6BVANIpwtTe_22hC0]

Hi Karon
Sue"s Mum here
Now I can see through the tears. Just wanted to let you know how
happy I am for you. to have got your beloved Mum back . Please God it will continue for you and your family. Thinking of you XXXX

[Cherry Ripe]

Karon, how wonderful for you. I remember how bad it was for you last year.

Treasure times like these and draw on them in the future when your Mum might not have such presence of mind. Hold the memories of the good days close, feel how much your Mum loves you, remember it always.

I hope your weekend is just as wonderful.

Susan xx

[Betty]

How wonderful for you Karon. Such joy in having your Mother back. I was looking at her picture and the picture of Idgy and I realized that you have your Mother with you all the time. All you have to do is look at your daughter to see her.

[Jane]

Lump in the throat and tears in my eyes. I am so very happy for you,Karon.
Jane x

[Patti Smith]

It is funny, all is right with the world when my Mom is doing well. When she has some bad days, I really feel bad myself. I guess we never stop worrying about them. Glad you had a nice visit with your Mum and that she was in good spirits. Have a wonderful weekend!
Hugs-
Patti xxoo

[Nan]

What a beautiful post! We are all little girls inside - and I don't think we ever stop wanting our moms. I'm so happy for you that your visit was such a wonderful one - you deserved it! xo, Nan

[My-french-dream.blogspot.com]

karon,
I really am so happy for you. I'm crying as I write this but you really have brightened up my day with this beautiful post.
have a lovely weekend.

sacha xx

[prettyatheart]

Oh how lovely!! Lets hope that every visit will be the same now! I have had to blink a few times to be able to see this screen!
Take care and enjoy your weekend.
-x-

[Janet Richards]

That's wonderful.

[Karon Grieve]

This is a reply to everyone who took the time and made the effort to
comment on my post on Friday. It means so very much to me that this
post touched other people. If you are in the unenviable situation of
having a loved one fading away from you, being snatched by the
horrors of time, I offer this post as hope. Hang in there, a glimmer
of love and happiness is in there, somewhere deep inside. Even if
all this fades tomorrow I know I have got my Mum back in my heart
and in my life. I have etched this image of her this week into my
heart like a tattoo carved into stone, I will never forget it.
So thanks blogging friends, many of you were with me last year when
I was really struggling with the fall out from my Mums situation. I
thank you for being there, for listening when I moaned on and didnt
know what to do. May you never find yourself in the same place, but
know that if you are, there are friends out there to hold your hand
and keep you strong.
love
Karon x

[Jenny N]

It is so powerful. I am glad you had this time again. It is all so precious.

[Attila]

I know how you feel. My Mum has vascular dementia and it sounds as if she's further down the line than your Mum. A few months ago she'd keep asking me "Have you seen Attila?" (not my real name obviously!) I was rather sad thinking that she didn't know who I was. Then I realised she was thinking of someone else and only my name would come to her lips! Mine! Wow! You have to take comfort where you can. I keep remembering the time, several years ago, when she held my face in her hands and thanked me for all I do for her, with such love in her eyes. I'm choked up as I write this, but what a joy that memory is!